American (Porn) Idol: Home Edition

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and especially regarding pornography. I think when I use the Internet for prurient reasons, I spend more time searching for the right clip than I do (insert masturbation euphemism here)ing.

Whenever I decide to (insert second, equally funny or funnier masturbation euphemism here,) American Porn Idol: the Home Edition starts.







Ryan Seacrest: This clip comes from the whimsical island of Japan, who's chief pornographic exports are terror and annoyingly pointless pixelation. Here we have a reasonable looking Japanese couple on either the bed or the floor based on your limited understanding of Japanese culture. Once you get over having mixed feelings about masturbating to a woman who appears to be both an aggressively willing partner and crying at the same time, give a big hand to Kiko-Chan and Yoshi! Judges, should we watch this clip? 


Paula Abdul: I really like the enthusiasm of these two. I know she's doing it to pay off her debt to the Yakuza, but she seems to be trying her hardest to pretend it's her chosen profession and I'm willing to do the same.

Randy Jackson: I'm not feeling the Japanese, dogg. Don't misunderstand, Japanese girls are way hot when they speak English, but with a sexual culture that revolves around a wierd, overly young girls squinty faced crying... I'm gonna need some dialogue context before I'm comfortable getting with that, if you feel me.

Simon Cowell: Where do I start with this one. I's derivative of an American couple I saw just last week down to the same title and keywords. These two didn't do it for the art, they did it to get a few extra clicks to support herbal dick pills. Plus they added a watermark and seriously, no high def? It's 2011, movies that were supposedly filmed in 1988 are in high def. Buy a real fucking camera. I vote no.




Ryan Seacrest: Well, that's a no from Simon. Randy?

Randy Jackson: I'm not feeling this one, dogg. I think we gotta go with something English.

Ryan Seacrest: Paula?










Paula Abdul: I really believe we can find one five minute clip of porn that encapsulates our entire sexual identity, if we just keep looking.










Ryan Seacrest: Alright then, 5,392,129 more clips to go... this next clip is-








And so on and so forth.

I remember when I was happy with a stolen magazine and a dirty movie on VHS with an old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sticker hiding the real title.

Simpler times, folks.

Simpler times.

(1) Citation: "Pages Requiring Citation" - Wikipedia, Cosmo "The Seven Things that Drive Him WILD!"