Friday, December 16, 2011

Bobby Anderson's Report on the Universe

My Report on the Universe
by Bobby “Singularity” Anderson
Grade 8

Instead of an explanation of the universe, I give you a letter of protest.

It’s completely unfair that I should have to take Science and Sexual Education when the Patterson twins don’t have to. If they have enough time to show up at my house on weekends in white shirts with name-tags and give books away, they have time to learn about science and how terrifying vagina's are in cross section and not to make fun of Norman for being gay. (Not gay gay, gay-gay.)

If the Pattersons can tell Norman he’s going to hell for being gay and not even get in trouble, why can’t I tell them how gay saying that is without getting in trouble, when I’m not even talking about them being gay, I’m saying they're being gay.

But whether or not Cassie Jordon is going to hell for going what she did with Sarah Peterson in the band’s equipment/smush room is really besides the point, because I’ve got to tell you I read this "so called Science" textbook and we are all totally balls out screwed either way.

So now I hear I have to believe this or the Bible, well let me tell you; I once read the Bible cover to cover when Daryl took me to meet some of his motorcycle friends, (and there wasn’t anything else to read after he threw a beer bottle through the TV because they hadn’t showed up with “Crystal and Jeff.”)

That book wasn’t half as scary and confusing as this textbook, and you shouldn’t show this to kids.

No, you should show them right away and maybe nothing but this text book. I’m not sure, but I know one thing for certain; everything is awful and random and we’re all going to die tomorrow or never. Or we won’t. I'm hyperventilating. Let me explain how bad it is.

First of all, nobody informed me black holes can move. That shit should not wait for Junior High. That should be right after you learn to tie your shoes. They should say to you “then pull the loop through and you have it, now look out cause there could be black holes everywhere and they don’t mass around.” Then the teacher'd punch my shoulder because he just made a “teacher joke,” and I’d pretend it was funny because he grades my papers.

Second of all, did you know everything, everywhere at all times wants to kill us? Cause I didn’t, Mr. Piper, and I haven’t slept in about eight days. Before I just had to worry about child molesters and Daryl stealing my Adderol, but now I can worry about:
  • Rogue Suns 
  • Asteroids 
  • Grey Goo 
  • Fucking Aliens 
  • Strangelets 
I could go on and on. And I will.
  • Comets 
  • The Sun Dying 
  • The Sun Exploding 
  • Fucking Aliens from Parallel Dimensions 
  • Daryl from Parallel Dimensions 
  • Multiple Daryl’s from Parallel Dimensions Ganging up With Fucking Aliens 
...and so on and so forth. Now I’ve talked to the Patterson twins about this, and they say if I change from your textbook to theirs I don’t have to learn about any of this. In their version there’s a dude who’s got all of this covered, everyone gets a planet and all I have to care about is not having sex feelings for boys and R-rated movies.

That takes me from the ten thousand worries this textbook has given me, down to one guy's list. That seems like a fair trade.

I’m a Moron now and you can’t make me write this paper and everything is fine.

Bobby Anderson


Good luck in your quest to become an ironic typo, Bobby. (I’m passing you because you still accidentally learned and because acids are not toys. Go to high school- far, far away from my equipment.
-Mr. Piper

1 comment:

  1. Lol. Thanks for sharing this post. Check out a gay version of the "Shit Girls Say" video.