Saturday, November 5, 2011

Dark Dungeons, an in Depth Review

Chick Publications is a group that publishes books and cartoons to assist in evangelism. They are of course best known for books about hot topics, like their best seller... uh... Hot Topics. They also publish informative cartoons that teach valuable lessons about the occult.

This is one such comic.

Welcome, to DARK DUNGEONS!

OK, so this looks like a good group of kids...
Hopefully none of them will flip the fuck out.

She didn't even let her roll her saving throw vs. poison! What a dick.
No wonder she looks like "the Baroness from GI-Joe.
Also, it blows that when a character dies in their game the player has to go home.
That's adding insult to injury.
"For not resurrecting Black Leaf, I award you 2000 XP."
It would blow to be known as "Elfstar" forever just because
you were too lazy to think of a good character name.
Also, it's INSANELY easy to get into this cult.
The mind bondage spell's ritual calls for a lot of door slamming,
crying, and asking mom.
How is she playing with no dungeon master?
Secondly, how hard is it to kill one zombie with an 8th level Cleric?
Turn and burn, mother-father.
Roll your Charisma, "Elfstar."
Oh, critical fail on that friendship roll.
The chair's kind of superfluous to this hanging though
if she was already standing on the bed.
Somebody doesn't know about rolling a new character.
Play a fighter, you'll live forever.
Wait, I thought it wasn't about the game anymore,it was about that cult.
Also, if you left the game SHE'D still be dead.
You should wish SHE left the game.
That's because you're a fucking experience miser.
She was only one XP away from level 8.
Then roll a Level 1 Debbie and kill some goblins.
Laziness, that's your affliction.
OK, wait, who is Mike. You can't just introduce a mentor character now.
I will now refer to him as Deus Ex Mikana.
"I've seen you painting those pewter figures.
They're $4.99 a pack.
You can't afford it, Elfstar! You can't afford it!"
Do a lot of people in the occult attend tent revivals?
Never trust a white man with a Jheri Curl.
Jesus is a level 20 Cleric.
Didn't she really just change systems?
Christianity has a manual too.
"Instead of putting your faith in magic, use the power of a zombie's
blood to bind demons using your new found power gained
by following our arbitrary rules!"



  1. Great commentary. The first thing I thought too was "WTF!? Where's the save vs poison?".

  2. DM rolled for her, probably a natural 1.

    That's the best I've read since I realised Miffy the bunny rabbit was meant to be ironic.

    Also hasn't a D20 version of Christianity been released as part of part of that modern setting nonsense?

  3. I just looked up the verse from Acts that Chick's "WARNING!" refers to. It's a section warning that Jews who don't accept Christ are unable to perform exorcisms. And that's Chick in a nutshell - just because he's ranting about D&D doesn't mean he can't take a moment to launch a bizarre anti-Semitic diatribe.