Sunday, November 6, 2011

Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue! A Dissection.

A walk down a paranoid, colorful memory lane.

(Just part 1, I can't bear any more of this shit.)

I remember seeing this for the first time in elementary school. The teachers told us we were going to be seeing a cartoon, and more than that, EVERYONE was in it. The Smurfs, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Garfield, the Real Ghostbusters, the Muppet Babies, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Winnie the Pooh, the Loony Toons... fucking EVERYBODY.

Even the fact that they were about to embark on a half hour long DARE lecture didn't bother us, at least we were watching a cartoon in school.
It started with every kid's hero, Barbara Bush, telling us the same "Just Say No," that we'd learned for years.

Then we were whizzed off into a world of batshit insanity, and I didn't realize exactly how insane until I watched it as an adult.

This is the story about a drug addicted brother who's being forced to do drugs by a ghost made entirely of weedsmoke, being helped by cartoon characters and his sister who talks to her toys.

Pretty much something you'd only watch if you WERE stoned.

I'm going to do a little play-by-play here, feel free to open a new browser page to follow along.
  • 0:33 Apparently the Smurfs wake up every day at the stroke of 9:00 AM. Which means Gargamel would have won if he'd just attacked around 7:00 AM. I guess the early Wizard catches the Smurf.
  • 1:02 Papa Smurf has to be the only person who takes clothes OFF in the morning.
  • 1:12 Why does the girl have a picture of Alf on her dresser like it's a picture of a boyfriend or relative? I had posters and stuff, but nothing FRAMED. Still though, I guess Alf does eat nothing but... you know what, I'm above that joke.
  • 1:31 Alf threatens Garfield with death if he doesn't join the investigation. 
  • 2:00 "Another Autograph Hound?!?!" Alvin, do you really have a lot of fans coming into this little girl's room, opening her records, finding that there's a tiny version of you inside and hitting you up for an autograph? Is that really something that makes you go "AGAIN!?!?"
  • 2:05 OK so at around 1:10 you see the Smurfs carrying a ladder. Then they decide it would be easier to vault from a trampaline onto each other's shoulders. Why not use the frickin ladder, and when did they sneak the trampoline in?
  • 2:36 Despite Winnie the Pooh AND Brainy Smurf both being within "touch her face then go all toy again" mode, they decide to use the Kermit alarm clock to wake her up. And even then, Pooh has been in touching distance of Kermit the whole time, so this makes everything that happened up to this point a bunch of make work.
  • 2:38 Kermit's clock reads 9:05 AM. Right were we need to be at this point.
  • 2:42 Kermit's clock NOW reads 6:55 AM. According to continuity, we now have two full hours to prepare for the robbery. This is not the first time that time travel will be featured in this cartoon, but it is the first time it's non-intentional.
  • 2:54 Kermit's clock NOW reads 8:05 AM. Though a one hour and ten minute time dilation has happened, they still have 50 minutes to prepare for the robbery. 
  • 2:57 Slimer appears Freddie Kruger style through the wall above the bed. He's not even a toy. She just ALSO has a frickin ghost in her house. Drugs may be the least of this poor haunted girl's problems. Slimer then loudly eats a lamp, and then shoots light onto the missing piggie bank's location, none of which cause her to bat an eyelash, because... I don't know why. She may need glasses (and an exorcist.)
  • 3:14 The cartoons have spent three minutes of cartoon trying to wake the girl up, only to do all their investigating without her. So basically the last three minutes were pointless fuster-clucking.
  • 3:54 Even if every one of those coins was a quarter, there is no where near $20 in that piggy bank. There would have to be 80 coins minimum, and when they're dumped out there are like 40, max. Marijuana apparently makes it impossible to estimate change.
  • 4:29 When they find the kid's drug stash, they do that weird thing where the kid has a box with like 50 different things in it (typical 80's.) That's all well and good, except like 2 minutes earlier the boy stole a piggy bank from his sister. Now pause and look at the box of drugs. He has four joints, a plastic bag that (whatever is in it) is completely full, and some brown thing that is also completely full. So why was he robbing his sister? He appears to have like 3 months worth of drugs on hand.
  • 4:12/4:19 The ballsiest lie in the history of lies, considering right after he tells her he was trying to fix the piggie bank for her, he pockets her money RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
  • 4:50 Theodore recognizes marijuana... by smell. We have learned something shocking about Theodore, I guess. Though if I had to deal with my retarded brother and other brother with delusions of grandeur, I might have to spark up every now and then, too.
  • 5:06 Michael does not notice that he now has a full sized stand up Garfield in his room. That marijuana MUST be strong.
  • 5:40 Pooh, the lazy #*$&, doesn't even go with them. Guess getting a kid off drugs is less important than napping and/or honey.
  • 6:02 I'm pretty sure that crack smokers don't bring enough for the whole class. That is a LOT of (sparkling, brilliantly white) crack.
  • 7:07 Bugs Bunny commits a felony by impersonating a police officer. Also, up to this point, the Looney Tunes haven't even been involved. So where did he come from? Did they stop on the way to saving him to notify ALL the cartoons?
  • 7:35 True to his police officer character, Bugs Bunny now plants a joint. If you watch the chase, MULTIPLE times you see Michael with his hands open. He no longer has the joint he was smoking. Bugs Bunny's fake cop is clearly crooked.
  • 7:46 Michael clearly has to go to the bathroom when he walks away. Actually, he almost always walks like a loon and stands in a wide stance like someone is always trying to knock him over.
  • 8:20 I can't wait to go buy myself a crate of beers. Also, it's funny that a show about drugs has a dad who can't clean the garage without tying one on.
  • 9:30 I don't remember T-shirts with the first letter of your name being wildly popular, but apparently 3 out of 5 kids wore them in the past.
I may do the last two parts some day. Until then, don't do drugs. 

You don't want Bugs to plant shit on you and call Chief Wiggam. 

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