Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Edward from Twilight Gets Beat for About Three Pages - From Cattywompus

Edward Cullan rolled on the ground in agony, the policemen slamming their boots into him. Chief Charlie Swan watched with a look of quiet reserve. Bella watched, as did Jacob, who just really only showed up when Edward and Bella weren't doing well. Which was basically now.

"Dad stop!" Bella said, "I love him!"

"Wait," Jacob said, taking off his shirt for reasons not readily apparent to the plot. His chest was muscular, and glistening.

"I love Jacob!"

Chief Swan raised an eyebrow. "Bella, pancakes or waffles," her father said. Edward said nothing, he was being curb stomped.

"Pancakes are my favorite!" Bella said.

"I like waffles better, you can put whipped cream on them," Chief Swan said.

"I like waffles better too, Dad," Bella said seriously, and Chief Swan shook his head. He turned to Edward.

"One hundred and seven, boy. That's how old you really are. You know, just because I'm a hick doesn't mean I can't do a real investigation. How do you think I manage all of the law enforcement in such a large area all by myself with time to just stop being a police officer whenever Bella has one of her daily breakdowns. Clearly I have to be brilliant."

"I love Edward, Dad! Please stop," Bella said, suddenly weeping. She cried at the drop of a hat. Jacob put a shirt on for a few moments, then took it off again, his adolescent chest exposed and described for the delight of millions of lonely fourtyish secretaries.

"I love Jacob."

"Sure you do princess," Chief Swan said, shaking his head. He turned back to Edward; who if I haven't made it clear enough before is being just savagely beaten. "Think I'm the sort of man who lets grown men fool around with my seventeen year old daughter?"

"Dad, I'm old enough to feel love!" Bella said, balling up her fists and pouting. Edward moaned through a mouthful of broken teeth. 

"Waffles or pancakes?"

"Waffles dad, I told you."

"True, but it's easier to put blueberries or chocolate chips in pancakes."

"I love pancakes," Bella said. Jacob frowned, as he was waffles in the current metaphor. The only thing that could cheer him up was a three page long description of his muscular, shirt-removing body, with accompanying emo-chick rock. 

"Drag his little undead ass out into the sun where we can see him," Chief Swan said, "So you fuck MY daughter, 'Mr. Full Grown Adult,' then you put your super-mutant baby in her."

"Daddy, I love my baby!" Bella said, rubbing her tummy. Jacob frowned.

"I'm not sure I want to raise some other dude's baby."

"Daddy I need five-hundred dollars for an abort-"

"WOAH!" Jacob, Edward, the Police Officers and Chief Swan said at the same time.

"Even for satire, that's going a bit far, honey," Chief Swan said.

"He's glowing!" One of the officers screamed in terror!

"It's a bio weapon!" The other shouted. They redoubled their kicking as he shimmered in the sun.

"Just you remember this, boy. We don't abide the elderly diddling our teenagers around here. We're just barely tolerant of werewolf's doing it."

"Hey, uh... is this the school?" A young blond boy with tiny devil horns walked up to the ruckus. He had a long pointed tail, and bat wings, and also a chest and thighs I will spend several pages lovingly describing, even though I'm an adult writer, and should not be writing such sexual descriptions of what amounts to children.

"Who are you?" Bella said. Edward smacked his forehead. Jacob sighed and put his shirt on.

"I'm Demitri the Incubus." Demitri said. 

"I am eternally in love with you!" Bella said. "Make me an incubus!"

"Succubus," Demitri corrected.

"Yeah, that," Bella said seriously.

"Uhhh, how old are you?" Demitri said, confused.

"Nineteen now!" Demitri laughed long and hard.

"What in Gods name would I have in common with you, I'm ten thousand years old."

"I met a Jonas brother once," Bella said defensively.

"I met Jesus Christ."

"She does this to everyone, dude," Jacob said, slowly removing his shirt. Demitri stopped him.

"Just what the hell are you doing?"

"I don't really know, sir. For some reason I have this compulsion to do this on a regular basis, as though it's an excuse for a writer too old to be perving on teenagers is describing my tight, chiseled body to a bunch of girls too young to be perving on... well... anybody."

"Sounds like a book written in crayon," Demitri said. "So he's glowing... why? Is that like his superpower."

"Vampires glow," Bella said.

"No they don't." Demitri said dryly. He pushed the two police officers aside and rolled Edward onto his stomach. He ran his talons down Edwards bloody shirt and tore. Two foot long butterfly wings popped out.

"Yep, I thought so. What you've got here is a fairy." Bella gasped. "You know, he just knocked you up to steal your baby. It's what they do. Changelings and what not." Bella ran to Demitri's side, wrapping her arms around him and nuzzling her face into his chest.

"Protect me from the fairy," she said. He pushed her away.

"Girl, you're still a baby. I'm an incubus and even I know it's not cool to go fucking around with teenagers when you're older than twenty. Besides, Indian Joe over there is taking his shirt off again."

"Ooohhh!" Bella gasped, running to Jacob's side. Edward slowly crawled away, leaving a trail of blood behind him.

"Get your glowing ass back here, fairy," Chief Swan said, "We ain't finished yet." The officers pulled him back, drawing ballistic batons.

It went on like that for hours and hours. And hours. They beat him a lot. But in the end he learned a valuable lesson that he never forgot.

Maybe hundred year old fairies should just leave the kids alone

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