Women Love Balls - Bobby Anderson's Report on 'Pride and Prejudice'

My Report on Pride and Prejudice
by Bobby Anderson

Pride and Prejudice, by Steve Austin,  is a book about a whole butt-load of women who want to get married.  Like a lot.  All they seem to talk about is dudes, and how to trap them, like when mom stopped taking the pill so Darryl wouldn’t leave to Seattle with his band.

Also this book is full of balls.  All they used to do back then was have balls.  Whether you were enjoying your own balls at your home, or riding a crap-load to enjoy balls elsewhere, that’s pretty much all they did back then.  This American time period was defined by it’s balls.


So the one lady Mrs. Bennet has like five daughters, which means there was probably lots of door slamming and they probably made their dad run out for Tampax like all the time.  She is also a gold digger, and so when this rich dude named Mr. Bingley moves into town she’s all “One of you needs to get on that so we can get a pool.”  Her husband is all “nah, we aight,” but in relationship math, that’s like three votes to one half vote.  

So Daddy Bennet goes to meet Bingley, and they get along OK, but the girls won’t get to meet him until a ball, and for those of you unfamilair with balls, it’s like prom but everybody wears corsets like William Shatner and pretends to faint from time to time.  It’s kind of like being emo for six hours.

So Bingley is pimp beyond pimp, and the ladies are running after him like they don’t have any of the first word of the title.  It’s actually embarrassing to watch, like when Sarah Peterson followed Jeremy Baxter around for like six weeks because she let him touch her left breast on the bus on the field-trip to that museum to see with that Jackmen Padlock painting that looked like he just shot a bunch of paint out of squirt guns but I don’t know art.

His friend, Mr. Darcy is kind of a dick; like his friend Bingley is all “Hey, dance with this hottie here,” and he’s all “Naw, she ain’t my type.”  In Medieval America this was like telling a girl she looks fat in that dress (even though she did, so I don’t know why I got grounded for yelling it.)  

So after balls apparently you went and talked about balls.  The dudes rated the chicks and the chicks rated the dudes, and some girl named Charlotte appears and now I gotta remember like sixty characters and I’m not even near through with this yet!  They all talk for a lot, the ancient method of Facebooking, and Anyway consensus is Jane wins the hotness prize though Elizabeth thinks she’s kind of a ditz.

So anyway theres a bunch of other crap and finally Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy meet and he proposes and he’s a cool guy so I bet it went really smooth and the second half of the book is about them having babies or whatever. But honestly it’s against my religion to read a half of a book where two happily engaged people rub their breasts together and hold hands and stuff.

So I’d guess the first part is that breast rubbing stuff, then a wedding, then Mr. Darcy builds her one of those log houses that Lincoln designed and you’re not suposed to throw stones if you live in.  Then they probably have like a thousand babies like her dad and it ends when one of them dies in the civil war from a musket ball shot by John Wilkes Booth.  All in all I give this book two enthusiastic thumbs up for the begining, and a meh on the love story that I’m sure followed the proposal.  Must read.

Robert... just... where do I start. - Mr. Palmer