Thursday, November 24, 2011
Dinosaurs! My Report on Bears (by Bobby Anderson) - From "The Schoolwork of Bobby Anderson"
by Bobby Anderson
My report is on dinosaurs, which is way cooler than the one I was supposed to write on bears (which are also cool but not as cool as dinosaurs are.) Also, it is a little known fact, but bears are not giant lizards. This alone makes them less worthy of my report.
Dinosaurs were discovered in 1805 by Sir Issac Dinosaur, and named after him thusly. He found some dinosaur bones in the dirt and dug them up and was all “Holy crap, this is the raddest thing ever!” Then he smoked a pipe as archaeologists in those days did. Mom’s boyfriend Daryl smokes like a chimney, which probably makes him an honorary archaeologist.
My favorite dinosaur is the triceratops (which is latin for “Stabby face.”) Triceratops didn’t eat cavemen, mostly because once a caveman was stabbed up, it couldn’t get it into his mouth, so instead they ate plants and leaves and sticks and probably lettuce. Triceratops had three horns, each used for a different purpose. The first horn was for stabbing cavemen. The second horn was for drawing in the dirt and the third was like the vice president, there in case the first two horns should no longer be able to fulfil their duties.
Another good dinosaur is the Brontosaurus (latin for “Neck like giraffe, body like hippo.”) Brontosauruses ate leaves also, but higher ones because they had enormous necks. They also had difficulty shopping for turtlenecks. They didn’t have awesome horns, but their feet could stomp like crazy, elephant style! I once went to the zoo and a clown got his foot stepped on and they stopped the show even before I finished my cotton candy. So imagine that but times like a billion and you know the stomping power of the Brontosaurs.
Another dinosaur is the Velociraptor (latin for “Angry ostrich lizard.) This dinosaur was discovered by Sir Michael Crichton while researching his book Jurassic Park. Velociraptors were the only dinosaurs with friends, and they’d eat your face right off if you let them. A group of Velociraptors (called a “bunch” in science terms) would hunt prey like dogs and cats and Neanderthals. They had long tails that helped them balance while face eating.
Pterodactyls (latin for “Long face bat monster”) are the only dinosaur that could fly. This gave them a huge advantage over dinosaurs that could not fly. Pterodactlys would circle their prey and then fall straight down like a dart, and jam their beak right in your head! They only ate brains, which is why they are known as the smartest of the dinosaurs.
But the king of all dinosaurs was the Tyrannosaurus Rex (latin for “OM + Nom to the second power.”) He had a big ass head and tiny arms, so he probably couldn’t play X-box very good but boy could he eat! Tyrannosauruses ate their body weight in Australopithecus and pandas every day. They also could beat a ninja or a cyborg in a fight, if one happened to be in the area and want said fight. If Daryl tried to take his belt off and spank a Tyrannosaurus it would be like “Uh... no.” Then it would eat him right up belt and all.
In conclusion, dinosaurs are the awesomest creatures ever to walk the face of the earth and if you dispute this fact you’re probably not as smart as I am so I don’t even need to debate with you. They could eat cavemen, and leaves, and stab, and fly, and also sometimes they would swim in tar. Dinosaurs died when an asteroid hit the Earth and inseminated everything.
D- Please see me after class. Also, the word you were looking for is incinerated. - Mr. Wilson