I'm stupidly proud of this for some reason.

Two characters, both lifetime victims, both physically weak, both under tremendous stress. Babydoll and Bella start in essentially the same place.

One fights back to the death, the other cries in bed and texts. I rest my fucking case.

Arguing how a strong female character should relate to her boyfriend makes the assumption that she needs one in the first place.

Some Tips on Live Reading for the Virgins in the Group (Post Holiday Spoken Word Showdown)

I'll be reading at the Pizza Shop Collective at 7PM December 26, 2011 in Omaha, Nebrasky along with a ton of awesome performers and writers!

MAP
EVENT FACEBOOK

Since a few of them are "live show" virgins, I thought some tips might be in order. Here are 10 of them, in no particular order.

Well, I guess they're in exact order 1-10, but the data is no exact order.

Well, that's not true either, since I use sentences and punctuation and junk so it's all very orderly but...

Fuck it, never-mind.


Here goes.

Bobby Anderson's Report on the Universe

My Report on the Universe

by Bobby “Singularity” Anderson
Grade 8

Instead of an explanation of the universe, I give you a letter of protest.

It’s completely unfair that I should have to take Science and Sexual Education when the Patterson twins don’t have to. If they have enough time to show up at my house on weekends in white shirts with name-tags and give books away, they have time to learn about science and how terrifying vagina's are in cross section and not to make fun of Norman for being gay. (Not gay gay, gay-gay.)

Why I Can't Do Math

I figured out why I can't do math, and it comes down to my ADHD. When given a choice to pay attention to the shit going on inside my head, or an external stimulus, I chose whichever of the two options holds my interest the best.

So let's look at the two competitors right next to each other, and see if we can figure out why Algebra eludes me.

Letters from Gay Camp! From "Cattywompus"

Dear Mom and Dad,

OK, for once in my life I can admit you were absolutely right.

When you caught me kissing Mark, threw me into the car, and drove me five-hundred miles into the middle of Missouri, I was skeptical (and completely out of product.). I didn't believe that being Gay was something I could treat, especially through prayer.

I remember driving under the "Camp Knotty Pines Retreat for Confused Christian Boys" sign and thinking "Great, all these insect bites are going to just destroy my complexion."

How wrong was I?

Please ignore everything I said, dear parents. Homosexuality absolutely can be cured by prayer and willpower, and I insist that I stay the entire summer in order to completely exercise- pardon, exorcise... hrm... Freudian... my "gay demons." It's the only way I can grow and mature as a true Christian.

I even have a girlfriend now! We were each assigned a girlfriend/boyfriend and a same gender "Prayer Partner." My girlfriend's name is Amanda, one of the "used to be lesbians" from "Camp Blossoming Orchids" across the lake. She has hair and a face.

One Eighteen Books 1, 2, 3 Rumor Control and NAQ

So some of this is up in the air, but I'm going to officially nail down what I can. The things that were holding me back have been squared thanks to science, luck and family and friends, and the end of the tunnel is here. There's some stuff I can talk about, and some I can't, but here's what I can say for certain.

American (Porn) Idol: Home Edition

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and especially regarding pornography. I think when I use the Internet for prurient reasons, I spend more time searching for the right clip than I do (insert masturbation euphemism here)ing.

Whenever I decide to (insert second, equally funny or funnier masturbation euphemism here,) American Porn Idol: the Home Edition starts.

On Being an Optimist

When life gives you lemons, remember they're highly acidic.

Juice the lemons, then throw the juice in somebody's eyes. While they're screaming in pain, jack their wallet.

Then, by the transitive property, when life gives you lemons, it ALSO gives you wallets. 

Problem solved.

Women Love Balls - Bobby Anderson's Report on 'Pride and Prejudice'

My Report on Pride and Prejudice
by Bobby Anderson

Pride and Prejudice, by Steve Austin,  is a book about a whole butt-load of women who want to get married.  Like a lot.  All they seem to talk about is dudes, and how to trap them, like when mom stopped taking the pill so Darryl wouldn’t leave to Seattle with his band.

Also this book is full of balls.  All they used to do back then was have balls.  Whether you were enjoying your own balls at your home, or riding a crap-load to enjoy balls elsewhere, that’s pretty much all they did back then.  This American time period was defined by it’s balls.

Dinosaurs! My Report on Bears (by Bobby Anderson) - From "The Schoolwork of Bobby Anderson"

(Bobby Anderson is a boy with raging ADHD. That should about explain these pieces.)


by Bobby Anderson

My report is on dinosaurs, which is way cooler than the one I was supposed to write on bears (which are also cool but not as cool as dinosaurs are.) Also, it is a little known fact, but bears are not giant lizards. This alone makes them less worthy of my report.

Dinosaurs were discovered in 1805 by Sir Issac Dinosaur, and named after him thusly. He found some dinosaur bones in the dirt and dug them up and was all “Holy crap, this is the raddest thing ever!” Then he smoked a pipe as archaeologists in those days did. Mom’s boyfriend Daryl smokes like a chimney, which probably makes him an honorary archaeologist.

My favorite dinosaur is the triceratops (which is latin for “Stabby face.”) Triceratops didn’t eat cavemen, mostly because once a caveman was stabbed up, it couldn’t get it into his mouth, so instead they ate plants and leaves and sticks and probably lettuce. Triceratops had three horns, each used for a different purpose. The first horn was for stabbing cavemen. The second horn was for drawing in the dirt and the third was like the vice president, there in case the first two horns should no longer be able to fulfil their duties.

Edward from Twilight Gets Beat for About Three Pages - From Cattywompus

Edward Cullan rolled on the ground in agony, the policemen slamming their boots into him. Chief Charlie Swan watched with a look of quiet reserve. Bella watched, as did Jacob, who just really only showed up when Edward and Bella weren't doing well. Which was basically now.

"Dad stop!" Bella said, "I love him!"

"Wait," Jacob said, taking off his shirt for reasons not readily apparent to the plot. His chest was muscular, and glistening.

"I love Jacob!"

Chief Swan raised an eyebrow. "Bella, pancakes or waffles," her father said. Edward said nothing, he was being curb stomped.

"Pancakes are my favorite!" Bella said.

"I like waffles better, you can put whipped cream on them," Chief Swan said.

"I like waffles better too, Dad," Bella said seriously, and Chief Swan shook his head. He turned to Edward.

Occupy Wall Street, and Awkward Thanksgivings

Son: "Hey dad, know how I've been saying people like you are bleeding the country dry should pay more taxes? Could you pass the potatoes?"

Dad: "I don't know, I earned those potatoes. I'm not sure I should have to share them with the whole table, especially dirty, shiftless hippies who show up and just expect potatoes."

Son: "Well maybe if everyone could enjoy some potatoes, we'd be OK with you having as many scoops of potatoes as you could possibly get. Just so long as everyone gets some potatoes."

Dad: "When you say everybody, you mean you. If you had some potatoes, you wouldn't be so keen to take the potatoes of others, would you? So it's really not an issue of equal distribution of potatoes at all, it's you upset about your personal lack of potatoes, then using a bunch of socialist nonsense to justify the fact that you're asking for a starchy handout."

(Just wait till you have to figure out how to divide the pie.)

The Only Cure for "Female Hysteria" is Kind of Creepy

So I was reading the wiki on "Female Hysteria," a condition in the 1800s that was sort of a catch all "woman be trippin!" diagnosis. It's about to get medically creepy.

'Hysteria was widely discussed in the medical literature of the 19th century. Women considered to be suffering from it exhibited a wide array of symptoms including faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and "a tendency to cause trouble".[1]'

And the cure is...

"Since ancient times women considered to be suffering from hysteria would sometimes undergo "pelvic massage" — manual stimulation of the genitals by the doctor until the patient experienced "hysterical paroxysm" (orgasm).[1]"

Wait, so the cure was your doctor double-clicking your mouse? That used to be a job? Well, it couldn't have been a major thing, maybe one or two a-

ADVICE - 11 Ways to Avoid Making Occupy Wall Street Look Bad

Movements gain steam by passion, and end from stupidity. With that in mind, here are 11 ways the Occupy Wall Street protesters can avoid ruining it for everyone.

1) Don't leave your location worse than you found it. 

That goes all the way from not leaving a cigarette butt on the ground, to not breaking windows or shitting on a police car. People will remember what you DID far more than what you SAID.

2) Don't wear masks. 

Words coming from someone hiding behind a mask bounce right off people, because they know you don't believe in what you stand for enough to say it on the record. At best, they suspect you're hiding your identity because you're about to do something shady. (If you are the Batman, you are allowed to skirt this.)

Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue! A Dissection.

A walk down a paranoid, colorful memory lane.

(Just part 1, I can't bear any more of this shit.)

I remember seeing this for the first time in elementary school. The teachers told us we were going to be seeing a cartoon, and more than that, EVERYONE was in it. The Smurfs, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Garfield, the Real Ghostbusters, the Muppet Babies, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Winnie the Pooh, the Loony Toons... fucking EVERYBODY.

Even the fact that they were about to embark on a half hour long DARE lecture didn't bother us, at least we were watching a cartoon in school.

Dark Dungeons, an in Depth Review

Chick Publications is a group that publishes books and cartoons to assist in evangelism. They are of course best known for books about hot topics, like their best seller... uh... Hot Topics. They also publish informative cartoons that teach valuable lessons about the occult.

This is one such comic.

Welcome, to DARK DUNGEONS!

OK, so this looks like a good group of kids...
Hopefully none of them will flip the fuck out.

10 Types of People You Can Now Bully in Detroit!

The new anti-bullying law in Michigan has a religion clause that allows values based bullying.

Basically, if it's in the Bible, you can bully people about it.

Some people who you can now bully:



10) Menstruating Women

Also, make them sleep in a tent in the back yard. You don't want her to depurify your house and/or attract bears.

9) Job


This one will be difficult for people without a time machine that also travels to the make-believe universe, but doable with a little elbow grease.

8) People who don't honor thy father or mother.

So, pretty much any kid in school.

One Eighteen: Migration Season 1, Episode 4 - Louisville Sucker Punch

One Eighteen: Migration
Louisville Sucker Punch
Season: 1
Episode: 4/9

Willie Fetch and Jonas have a conversation about Sarah. Involving an aluminum bat.






Cast
Jonas Waight: Chris Wiig
The Analyst: Michael Spence
Alex Wilks: Christian Haunton
Sarah Goodman: Katie Miller
Introduction: Will Ross
Willie Fetch: Sean Roberts
Emmet Till: Keven Erhardt
Margaret: Barb Ross
Wendel: Will Ross

Crew
Audio/SFX: Will Ross
Written By: Will Ross, Chris Wiig, Christian Haunton and Aaron Sailors
Directed By: Christian Haunton

Man's Best Friend, Rest in Peace Sugar

'Sugar' passed away Friday night. Going to be back Monday, but I'm taking this weekend to just process that. It's hard to explain how awesome Sugar was, so here are a few photos.

Don't worry. There was never a gerbil in there.
But we did put treats in there she couldn't get.
So I suppose an animal WAS taunted.
Sorry PETA.

"You could be playing video games right now,
Let go of the plastic mug.
I want it more than you want me not to have it."
She made this face when she was testing you.

Robin only dressed her up once.
There was no need for a sequel.
She got it right the first time.

One Eighteen: Migration Season 1, Episode 3 - The Honey Trap

One Eighteen: Migration
The Honey Trap
Season: 1
Episode: 3/9

When young Sarah Goodman barges into his store in search of aneseptics, Jonas Waight is pulled deeper into the curious evils that plague Greenly, South Dakota, and the wilder world.




Cast
Jonas Waight: Chris Wiig
The Analyst: Michael Spence
Alex Wilks: Christian Haunton
Sarah Goodman: Katie Miller
Introduction: Will Ross
Wendel: Will Ross

Crew
Audio/SFX: Will Ross
Written By: Will Ross, Chris Wiig, Christian Haunton and Aaron Sailors
Directed By: Christian Haunton

One Eighteen: Migration Season 1, Episode 2 - Dreams and Dreamers

One Eighteen: Migration
Dreams and Dreamers
Season: 1
Episode: 2/9

 Professor Jonas Waight tells us more of the state of the world, his terrible nightmares, and the laws and rules of this new reality. The nameless analyst continues to try to piece together the meaning of the notebook.




Cast
Jonas Waight: Chris Wiig
The Analyst: Michael Spence
Alex Wilks: Christian Haunton
Sarah Goodman: Katie Miller
Introduction: Will Ross

Crew
Audio/SFX: Will Ross
Written By: Will Ross, Chris Wiig, Christian Haunton and Aaron Sailors
Directed By: Christian Haunton

One Eighteen: Migration Season 1, Episode 1 - Welcome to Greenly

One Eighteen: Migration

Welcome to Greenly
Season: 1

Episode: 1/9

Meet Jonas Waight, a young professor pulled to the town of Greenly by a terrible accident, and kept there when the world goes bad. The rules of life and death have changed, along with society and it's views on law and order. Through his journal, Jonas Waight documents his life, and the dark turns it will take.

Cast

Jonas Waight: Chris Wiig

The Analyst: Michael Spence

Introduction: Will Ross

Crew

Audio/SFX: Will Ross

Writen By: Will Ross, Chris Wiig, Christian Haunton and Aaron Sailors

Directed By: Christian Haunton

Updates

I haven't done a project outline in a bit, so here goes.

First, I've saved enough upload space on Libsyn to start rereleasing 118 Migration S1/S2, which I should be able to get started by tonight, but just to be safe I'll promise that you can start getting them again on Monday. Still on track to release the full, finished BOOK by the

Prefaces and Asides Podcast Episode 7 - Air Bud: Hostage Negotiator!

The Air Bud series never has a problem finding new people things for that dog to do, but this one may be a little out of Bud's depth.

Cast

Various Voices: Sean Roberts

Narrator: Will Ross

Air Bud: Sugar the Dog

Writing/Tech/Recording: Will Ross

Prefaces and Asides Podcast Episode 6 - Cheapness Gets You Hot Licks

A man can only take so much cheapness when he's playing a competitive videogame before bad things happen.

Storytellers

Will Ross, Sean Roberts

Tech/Recording/Editing: Will Ross

Prefaces and Asides Podcast Episode 5 - Joe the Spaz

When a man comes upon a teenage boy threatening suicide on a bridge, he decides to help... sort of. 

Cast 
 Teenager: Will Ross
 Man: Aaron Sailors
 Tech/Audio/SFX: Will Ross
 Writen By: Will Ross

Prefaces and Asides Podcast Episode 4 - Quitter

A poem about dealing with the nicotine monkey pearched precariously on my back.

Cast

Written/Teched/Voiced by: Will Ross

Prefaces and Asides Podcast Episode 3 - Never Spit on a Man's Jesus

Whatever faux pas you choose to indulge in, avoid spitting on a man's Jesus. It always ends badly.

Storytellers

Chris Wiig, Sean Roberts, and Sean Housh

Tech/Recording/Editing: Will Ross

Prefaces and Asides Podcast Episode 2 - Message from the Bridge

Some evil starship captains just aren't fit for command.

Cast

Captain: Will Ross

Tech/Audio/SFX: Will Ross

Written by: Will Ross

5 Tips for Creating Immersion in Audio Drama/Podcasting

In audio drama, story may be the king, and acting may be the queen, but immersion is the wild card. The listener needs to love the story, but they also need to be pulled in to the story in a way that holds them, and doesn’t break their focus or break their suspension of disbelief. It can improve a piece greatly, and destroy one that's already perfect. A well put together soundscape will transport a listener into your world in a way that words just can't on their own.

It's not easy. When someone listens to your work, you’ve made an agreement with them; they will let you

Prefaces and Asides Podcast Episode 1 - The Muse of Molly Malloy

A full length audio drama, The Muse of Molly Malloy is the story of a trouble artist named Michael convicted of the murder of seven people, and a dark, evil place called simply "The Priory." In his last and only interview, Michael tells the whole terrifying truth.

 Cast & Crew
 Michael: Aaron Sailors
 Mr. Winston: Michael Spence
 Narrator: Julie Hoverson 
 Tech/Audio/SFX: Will Ross
 Writen By: Will Ross

Eleven Tips for Voice Acting in an Audio Drama/Podcast

Being a new voice actor is scary. You're self-conscious, you have doubts about your abilities, and you're often reading unfamiliar material. That being said, voice acting isn't anywhere near as difficult as it seems, and I use "non-actors" all the time. What it takes is an understanding of what you're doing, some practice, and doing lots of takes.

The following 11 tips should help new (and experienced) voice actors get over the most common pitfalls and hopefully feel a little more confident in their work.

1) Avoid fast retakes. 

When you flub a line, there is a natural urge to dive back into it quickly, as in "I want to feed-I want to FEEL...". That causes the next take to be rushed and you often add

Another Update

To Fans of 118, etc.

I'm getting another podcast feed together, and depending on how much capacity I can get I'll be releasing S1/S2 on it pretty quickly. If you absolutely want them right now, hit my contacts and get in touch with me and we'll figure something out.

I'll probably be closing the 118 blog and moving

An Open Letter to Google, Facebook, and Pretty Much Every Other Company About My Personal Data

Dear... uh... almost every company anywhere,

I am writing to let you know that you're in breach of our agreement, and I wanted to both explain why I'm upset, and show some ways you've perhaps been been... well let's not use harsh words. But let's say disingenuous, and perhaps shady. I'm talking about your packaging and selling my public life. Let me clear up why I'm upset.

The phrase "Public Life" or "In Public" refers to the fact that others can and might see it. It does not indicate "public domain." Just because you can

Random Stuff while Working Towards MCiB Deadline

Listeners, Readers, etc.

Getting ready for a roll out of Mars City is Burning on December 15th, and actually ahead of schedule. Working on a lot of infrastructure/social networking/submissions so things will be fluxy for the next month or so.

If you're a long time P&A reader, you might be upset to see that a lot of stuff is down from here and Y! Associated Content, and that's not done simply to

Welcome,

You may notice there's a lot of stuff changing here, I'm sort of overhauling everything. Shouldn't take too long, and when it's finished I'll be adding some new stuff on Smashwords, and updates about the novel.

-Will Ross